The kind of mother I have, why have kids?. moving houses

I’m moving in two days. I was born in Jane and Finch, Humber River Hospital. I moved to Scarborough, Two Medowglen Place, when I first started school. In grade 4, I moved into my current house, also in Scarborough, only a 5 minute drive from my old apartment. From grade 4 to second year uni, that’s 10 years, I think. I always thought I’d be in this house till I bought my own place, like when I’m married and shit. But now I’m moving to Markham. I won’t be spending much time in the new house, I’ll be in Ottawa mostly so I won’t feel the effects of the change as noticeably as the rest of my family will. My oldest sister will get married and move out over the next year or so, so the new house isn’t much of a commitment for her. My youngest sister finds the house to be beautiful, and it really is. I have some complaints, but it was definitely the best of all the houses on the market we were able to check out. I don’t feel like the house is a big commitment for me either. I really should look into what the hell pritesh was talking about, he thinks buying a house is like a 30 year contract. I know that the amortization period can be 25 or 30 years, but I don’t think that’s really a contract or anything. People buy and sell houses all the time, its not like a phone plan. But anyway, I don’t really see my family in this new house for a very long time. I think it will be a good transition house. I don’t think that’s a real thing, but for my family I mean. What I’m trying to say is, a  lot of changes will be happening to our family over the next 5 years, and those changes will take place while we are at this new house. Its going to be a relatively unstable time for us I think. Sisters getting married, me going to uni, and…wait what else is there really? I think maybe I’m just thinking of those three events as much more events lol. Aside from those three things, what else is gonna make us unstable. I’m over-exaggerating. Well it is a big deal to me. I wonder how things will change. Well I’m not someone who dwells over the past or future so I won’t be wondering too much about that.

I learned not to dwell over the future during highschool, all the times people ask “hey do you think we’ll still be friends when we’re older. Hey how do you think things will change in the future, etc”. No one knows! There’s only one way to find out. Just be patient. There are plenty of things to worry about, and you don’t need to worry about something that you can worry about later! Why opt-in for pre-worrying about some shit that has no relevance to the present.

I think my younger self would probably give me shitty advice on things. I bet I’ll say that again in 5 years, and 5 years after that. If I ever look back and think “shit, I used to be so much better” then I will have failed being Janac. Janac is mr.self-improvement. THAT’S me. I want music that enriches me, I watch movie that teach me a lesson, I value friends that better me, I want a career that challenges me, I want to have a 6 pack – for myself, not so I can show off to other people! Okay maybe a little bit of a showing off, but that wouldn’t be my real motivation.

I was innocently watching HIMYM, i just started the 3rd season, and my mom made me turn off the tv. Yeah i’m 19 and my mom still tells me to turn off the tv cuz its too late. lmao. I’m starting to develop this okay-ness with my mom constantly bickering and advising me on things that I already thoroughly know. Like “call the dentist and set an appointment before you show up at there office”, “turn on the lights before you walk down the stairs”, “turn the wheel when you turn left, and don’t go onto the island/curb”. “eat.”. These are all real pieces of advice my mom has given me recently. All tasks I would have executed perfectly without her saying anything at all, but I guess it’s the mom’s job.

A baby is helpless, a child is naive, a boy is immature, a teenager makes bad decisions, and a mother has to guide the kid throughout the whole process. I guess sometimes she doesn’t realize that I’m past all these stages, and I don’t have any of those character traits. ESPECIALLY when I’m left alone in ottawa to be responsible, i’m awesomely mature about things. I’ll admit when I’m back home in toronto, i do a lot more stupid things, and I’m messier and way less organized, but that’s because I’m on vacation. But even still, I get soo much advice that I don’t need to hear. I’ve obviously confronted her about this, and she knows now. I’m guessing its just as obvious that she didn’t stop this habit at all.

Can I really blame her for being extremely cautious about an invest that took up most of her adult life, and money. So much of her life is dedicated to raising children, and making sure we don’t die lol. I know how to make sure I don’t die anymore, I know how to make a good decision, I know how to call the insurance company and find out about my dental coverage, and if I’m as much as I say I am, then I should also know that its okay for my mom to lecture me about things I already know, and nag me about things that aren’t important, and deserves to be as annoying as she wants, cuz without her, i’d be dead. literally.

Man I can think of some guys that really don’t appreciate their mothers, or any of their parents for that matter. Even my sisters complain about my mom, I’m not sure if they’ve seen some other mothers out there. Yeah sure my mom isn’t a typical tv mom that calls her children beautiful and tells them she loves em’ every night and tucks in them into bed, but fuck that. i’m a young sri lankan boy, i’m fearless, i don’t depend on anyone other than family, i’m on the path to success, and my mom has raised me tough enough to survive in the real world. but she’s given me enough caring to not be a soul-less criminal, or a heartless bastard. She’s a good mother. The best actually.

Too bad the chances of her ever reading this is slim to none, but its okay, I’m not writing this for her to see. I’m writing this because this is my opinion, and I’m okay with having everyone know my opinion, because I don’t need to be validated by others accepting my opinions. That was the basis for putting my diary entries up btw.

I’m listening to some great roots reggae music, mellowed out to the max. Gregroy Issacs – Love me with feeling. I don’t expect my future self to know this song, because I don’t even know the song, as my current self.

So I realize that HIMYM is not real. I realized this truth when I thought about all the people in that age group I know, and none of them live the lives of Ted, Barney, Marshall, Lily and Robin. The show has led me to believe that it is possible to have fun exciting times after university finishes. I should be 21 by the time I graduate. If I get married at like 28, then that leaves 7 years of good times. The show has not let me to believe that having fun after marriage is possible. I guess by 30 my life is over, and becomes a life of being a provider for my family and having kids. I can see why lots of people wouldn’t want to have kids. Now that’s a contract that lasts a long time. I think there has got to be some biological instincts inside us that drive us to want to have children. It only makes sense. I’m sure there have been contraceptive methods from ancient times, there has to have been some primal urges to have kids.

“Whose gonna take care of us when we’re too old”, well that’s one of the reasons why I’m trying to stay healthy, so no one has to take care of me, and I doubt the future generation of kids want to live with there rents and support them. So I’ll probably be in an old folks home if i’m not doing well, medically. No-Kids 1, Kids 0.

okay pause, didn’t I talk about not worrying about shit that I can worry about later? lmaoooooo wow what a deliciously hypocritical moment I just had. talking about kids, that’s SO far into the future. decades away! Its just interesting is all. I’m not really looking at this as “man I better decide what I want to do”, its more of “hey, whats this all about?”. I’m just curious, not worried.

Am I trying to convince myself about an opinion? What the fuck?

Anyway, why else do people want kids? For some special, magical connection. Well yeah I guess I have thought about a lot of things I’d tell my son/daughter. Can’t think of any real examples atm, but I assure you there have been plenty. I guess just being a parent might be interesting. But is it more interesting than the life of an adult who isn’t tied down by commitments to their children.

In the movie se7en, morgan freeman says he felt fear for the first time, when he had a wife and kids. before that, he was a fearless bodmon.

I think having a wife is important. Like at the end of the day, you need someone to come home to. Yeah a life-partner sounds like a good idea. But kids, I’m not sure what the real benefits are. I wonder if people that decided not to have kids, regret it. I know Mrs.Mohamed doesn’t, but she’s surrounded by kids everyday since she’s a teacher. It almost makes sense why she would want to avoid having kids at all costs. She sees first hand how crappy kids are. Having a kid that you’re actually proud of, is really difficult! And it’s a lot of pressure.

Iyo kadavillai, i’m moving in a few days. i’m gonna goto sleep. but what shall i think about while laying in my bed, waiting to succumb to sleep.

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