Air Force Journal: Self-Criticism, Angst

10:32 pm June/08/2011

One question. That’s all I did today. Holy shit. I was researching about D.C. Janac, remember what D1 is? D2? D3? You were researching about D.C. Pepsi. I think that’s very dangerous information. I gotta talk to Bava about it. When I’m about to sleep, lying in my bed; I think about a lot. About everything and nothing. At the same time. Not once. Continously without silence. No one likes to sleep with noise. What if the noise is inside their head. Okay lets pseudo-sleep. I’m listening to Bastard by Tyler the Creator. My thoughts might be influenced by the depressing, but relaxing beats and lyrics. I’ll close my eyes and I’ll write down whatever words come to my head. Ok so I’m saying the lyrics to the song. How surprising. What if I could use music to organize my thoughts into such an organized pattern instead of sporadic, uncontrollable, Teenage angst. I’m going to be raw to everyone tomorrow. I’m not going to have to deal with the consequences for very long. I’m not gonna see any of the mother fuckers a month from now. There’s not much to say. I’ll be totally straight up with everyone. Not holding back anything. I don’t like bogeys. I’m only tempted when I’m D2 or 3. Bharathi and Javed and Bava got me interested in D.C. Its hard to get so I won’t have a problem escaping it. But ottawa is full of crazy white people [lol i was wrong]. Bubba calls it “food”. Fat black nigger. Nothing wrong with niggas. I don’t even like the word nigger. I regret calling aunt H a nigger She didn’t get angry or anything I don’t regret it. Why regret anything ? Do I regret not studying? Yeah, it would have been nice to be a waterloo student. But that’s not who I am. I am an ottawa student. I will survive and graduate. I gotta get out of the anti-studying rut Im in. I don’t want to lose my acceptance over stupid shit. Pritesh’s handwriting is SOOO bad that it annyos you to look at it. Its one of his defining features “Yo who has the worst writing” * 10 People in unison * “Pritesh!”. I hope we don’t end up hating eachother by the end of uni. We’re both applying to other uni’s next year, next year. So if things are going bitter btw us, we can escape. When i’m lying in bed, I’m thinking of everything and nothing. The most useless shit will be the focal point of my concentration. Pensieve would be amazing. Harry Potter is a cool book. I’d be lying if I said I was a huge fan. The ink bleeding into the other side of the page does not bug me. There are so many thoughts in my head, I’m thinking of irrelevant things WHILE I am writing this. The human brain is capable of soo much. I want to gain some insight and expand my knowledge and exp. by doing more thing s like DC. As I was walking down the street to school I was realizing that since I had such painful low moments with sonia it gives me something to compare with. She gave me heart-pounding stress. I wonder who else has felt that level of stress. I guess I was okay its 11:00pm now. I’ve been writing down everything. I bet there is plenty more to think about. I hope there is some underlying benefit to me writing these diaries. I’m getting a little sleeping [sleepy]. Ok. I will lay down. Peace.

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